Contained within this highly unofficial and possibly questionably sourced dissertation are my findings—shocking, unstable and possibly divinely inspired. I make a case—highly conspiratorial, yet equally entertaining—to provide our readers with a reason to stir the pot and overthrow Redeemer’s Student Senate. I propose something radically chaotic, yet just. Something anarchist. Something unique and beautiful. Preferably headed by myself and the matriarchy that composes The Crown.
With Senate’s election hanging ominously over our heads like a dark cloud of bureaucracy, this author has noticed something deeply unsettling. Smiles became a little too rehearsed and handshakes a tad too firm. Propaganda littered our campus walls and was plastered to our front doors. Candidates were hunting us down as we munched on lunch in the cafeteria or haggled us in the hallway, all to give us a twenty-minute Ted Talk on their dreams for Senate. Sound familiar?
One particularly ambitious candidate, who preferred to remain anonymous (initials K.G.), cornered me in the cafeteria and asked, “What issues matter most to you as a student?” I proceeded to respond with, “Hot water in the dorms.” He nodded solemnly and handed me a flyer. The flyer was a pitch for a Redeemer-sanctioned matchmaking event for campus singles. How fitting for him.
Was I the only one forced to endure this?
At least on the bright side, it suddenly felt like Senate cared about the student body, but that was short-lived. After the former president, Kaiden Groombridge, resecured his spot as head dictator, Senate grew overwhelmingly unresponsive. No more interactions with students, no more monetary bribes for votes; everything turned eerily back to normal.
I’m sure we all know their familiar faces by now, but do you know what they actually do? I asked a few students who all echoed a similar chorus of absolute cluelessness. No one has a clue what Senate does, so as your author, I can comfortably conclude that they do jack-nothing. It seems like they conveniently appear as soon as the ballot box comes out and then disappear when issues like black mold in dorms or frequent toilet paper shortages pop up. Sure, I get those quarterly emails from Senate, outlining their “busy” schedules, but honestly, is it really too much to ask that students have decently-cleaned bathrooms? Those Senate emails are way too long, all to outline absolutely nothing, and I am convinced that if anyone attempted to read one in its entirety, it would just sound like an AI-generated mess. I mean, come on guys, we pay you to care.
Speaking of payment, do you know how much you are paying in Senate fees? Take a guess! Over $100 per year to pay for Senate’s shenanigans. I mean student-funded quarterly trips to the Mandarin buffet for bonding sessions. Or an office mini fridge stocked with energy drinks and snacks. We have blatant corruption in our midst!
Senate has conspired to suppress the truth. It’s all just one well-planned pyramid scheme, with us students as bottom feeders. Senators get their own personal office for schoolwork and leisure. I mean, the blinds to the office are drawn at 4 pm, but inside sources tell me the lights stay on well past closing hours for who knows what reason.
One former senator tells me she walked into a strange initiation ceremony immediately following the election. She details to me a recently enacted initiation ritual for new members of Senate, which involves performing an interpretive dance to the Doxology. She further describes other shocking practices of our Senate. “We literally do nothing productive. Sometimes the boys will shotgun some Celsius while dancing to Britney Spears on the office desk, but other than that, your senate fees are going to fuel the Vice President’s ghastly caffeine addiction and Kaiden’s biweekly mani-pedi.” As your author, this is not a surprise.
How do they stay in power, you might ask? They open the market on Saturdays and call it progress, when in reality, it still takes twenty minutes to butter a bagel at Tim’s and even longer for a decent-smelling bathroom to be maintained. Also, can someone start to acknowledge the measly water pressure in the campus bathroom sinks? They’re like sprinklers.
These recent elections have left me enlightened. Or disgusted, for lack of a better word. I knew our student body would slowly grow indifferent. I mean, I don’t blame you. Why grow concerned over a group you think is championing for your benefit? Now that the truth has been exposed, are you willing to do something about it? Do you genuinely want to keep paying apathetic senators? I sure don’t! We need a Senate that actually gets off their behinds and makes some real change. One that listens—truly listens—to the student body, and doesn’t just hand us a Timbit and call it an honest day’s work, or more realistically for them, a year’s work.