Predestined to Be Together

The Christian Reformed Church’s version of the Bachelor

**This is part of a series of satirical articles that were to be published in the 2020 edition of The Clown.**

Are you sitting at home in your childhood bedroom, tired of binge watching Love is Blind on Netflix? Maybe you’re looking for something fun to do while you avoid chiming in on that discussion forum on Discovery? Well, look no further, because this coming Monday is the premiere of a brand new show: Predestined to Be Together: the Christian Reformed Church’s version of the bachelor. 

The bachelor, Jacob Vanderslaander, is a third generation Canadian, the grandchild of Dutch immigrants. He grew up in Smithers, B.C, attended Dordt College and now works as a teacher in a local Christian school. 

Contestants have come from all over the country to try to win Jacob’s heart. During the premiere you’ll see a variety of women exit the limos and attempt to make a great first impression on the bachelor. Memorable moments to look forward to include a woman performing a Tiktok dance she choreographed to the tune of the Doxology and another who impressively sings the classic hymn Ere Zij God with perfect Dutch pronunciation. 

Instead of roses, the bachelor is handing out tulips, and to accept the flower, each girl first has to recite the acronym that every CRC kid learned early on. Alvin Plantinga serves as this season’s host, providing Jacob with wise advice, as well as interesting theological tidbits for the contestants and the viewers at home to ponder. 

Throughout the season, the girls will go on a number of group dates including catechism classes, trips to the dairy farm, and a potluck dinner with a local congregation. Friendly competition ensues as the women participate in a cub car race, the winner earning a (chaperoned) one-on-one date with Jacob. 

As the season progresses, hometown visits offer an interesting surprise, as every single one of the final three bachelorettes is from Grand Rapids Michigan. In a never-before-seen twist, it turns out two of the girls are actually cousins!

There’s lots of drama to look forward to as one girl reveals she was baptized both as an infant and as an adult. You’ll want to stick around for the biggest shock of the whole season, as one girl confesses that she occasionally raises her hands during worship, and Jacob must decide if he is okay to marry someone who is likely a closet Pentacostal. 

Clearly you’re not going to want to miss a moment of this show! Which girl truly has irresistible grace? Who will be this season’s villain? And who will make it to the future spinoff show: Bachelor Mission Trip? Tune in next Monday to follow Jacob’s journey and find out if our contestants will end up totally engaged or totally depraved!