Redeemer Wifi

A Conspiracy Theory

By: Anna Bailey, senior reporter

I recently had a revelation about the Wifi in Redeemer dorms.

Let me take you back to a Thursday afternoon during our reading break. I was stuck on a pink and purple coach bus, with the rest of the choir, somewhere in Ontario. At least, I think it was Ontario; there weren’t any signs. Or people. Even the moose seemed to be in hiding. We were exhausted from 6 days of choir tour, and so we napped, texted our moms about how much laundry we were bringing home, and listened to music. 

Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. We’d entered an area where most of us couldn’t get cell service. Deprived of our data, we were forced to bond. Dan, our longsuffering bus driver, began playing his CD’s at the front of the bus. I believe—but I don’t know because I couldn’t google the lyrics—we were listening to 50’s folk music. People formed a conga line up and down the bus while others passed around saltwater taffy, listening Dr. T tell stories of tours past. We didn’t sing Kum Ba Ya because we didn’t have an arrangement for eight parts, but it was close. 

When the internet returned, our camaraderie remained. The bus ride culminated in an epic gossip session at the back of the bus, hosted by the bass and tenor sections. They even had a drum of truth, formerly a cookie tin.  It gave me a beautiful bruise when a slandered individual hit it a little too hard and sent it flying down the aisle. 

My bruise is fading and the bus, which we named Clifford, is probably carrying passengers who don’t dance in the aisles. But as I thought about our experience, I had an epiphany. I realized, finally, why the wifi in Redeemer dorms is so terrible. 

Redeemer’s administration has our best interests in mind. They’ve realized the great and terrible power of Netflix. They know that, left to ourselves, we’ll know more about the characters on Riverdale than our roommates. They’ve discovered that students would rather watch episodes of The Office for the 17th time than write papers.

This is just one of the many dangers that good internet presents. The ability to review powerpoints from class on Discovery, FaceTime our families, or do research digitally all present grave dangers. If our internet works, we’ll never head to the library to fight for tables and share smuggled snacks. Even if we’re not actually using any of the books there, at least we’re keeping them company. If we can talk to our families easily, they won’t need to purchase care packages from Student Life to express their love. The next time your music stops and starts every few seconds, find another student who also can’t get any work done, and share the moment together.