Welcome to Redeemer University’s Official Marriage Mart™, where you can find your future spouse and finally fulfill your divine calling before graduation! To combat chronic loneliness and a decline in springtime proposals, Redeemer has approved monthly postings of potential spouses. Email The Crown to be featured in next month’s Marriage Mart™ catalogue!
Ladies, meet Ryan Tigchelaar! After hearing of the opportunity to be featured on this year’s Marriage Mart™, Ryan threw himself at the chance. Ryan is looking for his missing rib. He wants a woman who “loves peanut butter” and enjoys cooking lunch together. He is looking for a sourdough bread–making woman. He is easily wooed by a lip-smackingly good piece of fresh artisan bread.
His future partner must be a Christian and preferably shorter than his impressive 2-foot-tall stature. He loves listening to love songs on repeat and walking in the rain to remind himself of his perpetual loneliness. But, women, do not be dismayed; Ryan is faithfully waiting for the right woman. His standards are so high, he once rejected a girl for owning a Passion Translation Bible. He tells me, “I’d rather commit to eternal celibacy than date a heretic.” What a forward young man! His go-to strategy for picking up girls is “talking to them.” So ladies, if Ryan chats with you in the hall or at communal, he is marking his territory and may be scouting you as potential wife material.
Okay ladies! Next, we have Joel Heida. Joel is looking for his future wife in Redeemer’s blessed pool of women. Joel is a God-fearing, clog-wearing, rock-climbing romantic who admits to being able to carry ten church chairs at once. He is looking for a wife, preferably one who speaks fluent Dutch. According to one reliable source, he is described as the “Dutch baddie.” Joel enjoys active sports such as interpretive dance, and in his spare time, he loves to “volunteer at a shelter for cancerous dogs and cats.”
Joel tells me that his credit card number is at the disposal of his future partner. He has never talked to a girl, but rest assured, he informs me he is spiritually prepared to take the lead—once the women start approaching him. If you really want to make Joel swoon, take note that he is a lover of pet names. He prefers “Bartholomew” and “pookie bear.” Joel’s love language is words of affirmation, and he eagerly looks forward to holding a girl’s hand this year.
Last up is Dylan Bauman. Dylan is looking for his Proverbs 31 woman and is behind his days of telling his ex-girlfriends he needs time to “focus on God.” He is on the Marriage Mart™ to find his forever partner.
Dylan towers at 6’5” in platform heels, a beacon for progressive masculinity. Dylan calls himself a radical feminist. He reads feminist literature in his spare time and “hates the patriarchy.” He believes women should have the right to vote, and that’s it.
His screening process is quite rigorous. Dylan informs me of a potential prospect he spotted at Chapel. Dressed in her prairie dress and Amish bonnet with her KJV Bible in clutch, she caught his eye. But as soon as she lifted her arms during worship, he shut it down. “I won’t settle for some closeted Pentecostal,” Dylan asserted. Dylan is a faithful Baptist.
Dylan would also like to mention that he is excited to work hard so that his future wife can own a coffee shop or bookstore that loses $30K a month. He prays that his future wife is at Redeemer, but he believes she may still be “in high school.” If Dylan doesn’t find his match by fourth year, he plans to join an isolated convent of monks in the Himalayan mountains, committing to a life of contemplation.
Serious inquiries are being accepted at [email protected]