As members of the Redeemer community, all of us have heard a rumour or two- maybe you’ve even started one. While this method of community communication is convenient when you are trying to stay updated on the latest first year romances, it can get confusing on which rumours are true and which are false. Don’t worry, I’m here to help. I’ve consulted my best sources throughout the school and come up with a list of nine rumours that I’ve been hearing about recently. I then did extensive research so I could provide you with the truth. Without further ado, here are nine Redeemer rumours- confirmed or denied.
- Most of us have heard the whispers that the newly born Joustra baby has already been promised a future tenured position on Redeemer’s faculty. You will likely not be surprised to find out this is actually true. You’ll never believe what little Jacob Scott will be teaching though- apparently he is joining the chemistry faculty! An obvious disappointment to his parents who were hoping he would choose something a little more theoretical, but the Redeemer community is excited to see the Joustra legacy continued. Congratulations to the doctors and future doctor Joustra!
- Have you filled out your health check form today! Of course you have, because it’s so much fun! I can happily confirm the rumour that the health check form is becoming a permanent fixture at Redeemer due to its high popularity and positive feedback from the community. Students and staff alike have raved about how much they enjoy filling out this engaging document each and every day. Administration says they are even considering adding new forms to fill out in order to meet the high demand, such as emotional and spiritual health check forms before you come on campus. Yay!
- The next rumour that we’ve all been hearing is that Redeemer is finally getting a spike ball varsity team. Unfortunately this is false. While it was being considered by the top dogs in the varsity department, they have recently released a statement clarifying that this will not be happening, and added that “any extra money in the 2020/2021 athletic budget will go to the Lord’s sport- cross country”. Spike ball will keep its current status: the game you don’t like that much but use as an excuse to hang out with your crush’s dorm.
- I can confirm a different rumour stemming from the athletic department, and that is that we are changing our varsity colours! I was shocked to hear this, as we have already switched them twice in the past four years. My source acknowledged this but cited ‘the need to stay up to date on current fashion trends’ as the reason for the change. While varsity athletes are disappointed to never get to play in the slick red and navy Nike uniforms that were new this year, they are looking forward to repping Redeemer’s new jerseys from Lululemon in our new colour scheme: neutral earthy tones!
- Something we’ve all been concerned about is the condition of our local small businesses during Covid times, and one business that has been rumoured to be closing is the on-campus Tim Hortons. However, I have just found out that this is not true. It turns out this has actually been a record year for our local Timmies, and they are actually planning to expand into taking over the communal meal. Communal will now be a rotation between farmers’ wraps, bagel BLTs, and eggs, with timbits and iced capps offered to those with dietary restrictions.
- Great news! I have been informed that a first year boys dorm on campus has just received FDA approval for a vaccine they created in their basement. Apparently they stumbled across the formula while messing around with supplies from their take home chemistry lab, and after injecting the solution into themselves, discovered that it had a 100% efficacy rate against Covid-19. The boys, who wish to remain anonymous, have generously offered the first 1500 doses to Redeemer students, faculty and staff. The Health and Safety committee has been hard at work coming up with an order of eligibility, which I was lucky enough to gain access to. The first people to get shots will be the bookstore ladies, varsity athletes and the friendly staff at CELC. The second round will go out to any profs who have cancelled a class ‘just because’ this year, everyone in IT and social work minors. The third round will be the general population and the last ones to be eligible will be education students, business majors, and those with overdue library fines.
- Another rumour I can now announce is untrue is that Refresh is starting a pyramid scheme. After speaking with those in charge at our school cafeteria, I have now been educated to the fact that this is not a multi-level marketing program, but rather an opportunity to join their growing business and meet fun, career-oriented people like you! They are looking for five girl bosses who are looking to make money every week, just by promoting Refresh on social media. All you need to do to join is purchase the welcome package of Refresh merch and food vouchers which has a value of over $250, available to you for only $100! Again, this is not a pyramid scheme, just an opportunity to connect with your community and recruit other business-minded queens!
- With President Robert Graham stepping down, the President’s Guest House will be vacant for the next year as the search committee looks for a new leader. To keep this space in use, Redeemer is offering it up for rent as a gathering spot. Administration wanted to make it clear that this is not a party house, but rather a spot for small and relaxed group hangouts. This has been a very popular initiative, and the space is already booked out for upcoming dates such as Halloween, the home opener, and St. Patrick’s day. We look forward to hearing about the spiritual and community growth that comes from the use of this new space.
- A final announcement coming from administration soon is that Redeemer is expanding the programs it offers as minors. New classes which will soon be available include disk golf, parenting, dorm interior design and church volunteering. The academic authorities who made this decision are looking forward to our expanded offerings and the new selection of students these subjects will attract.
That’s all the rumours for this month. Remember, just because it isn’t true, doesn’t mean you can’t share it with a friend.